Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Most Fascinating People of 2008

Every year Barbara Walters sits down with a professional team of Media analyst and compiles a list of the most fascinating people of the year. Afterwards, she takes the list they have worked so hard on and crumples it up into a little ball, goes to her dressing room at The View and makes her own list.

It's not that I blame her. I actually feel bad for her to have to bear this incredible cross. I can't imagine the pain she must feel every night before she pulls her coffin lid closed and drifts off into her botox coma, knowing she can never be on the list as numbers one through ten. Alas, this is not a blog about how sweet it must be to have the honor of looking in the mirror everyday to see the tightly stretched visage of Barbara Walters involuntarily winking back at you.

This is about the ten most fascinating people of 2008.

10: Coming in at number ten is Scientology's answer to Jerry Falwell, the gifted Tom Cruise.When Tom's not busy suing people for calling him gay, preaching the words of L Ron Hubbard or kidnapping and brainwashing mediocre starlets, Mr. Cruise still finds the time to make shitty movies. If you don't believe me check out Mission Impossible One through Three, a true trilogy of shit that will have you putting bleach in the Visine bottle and make you hope for the triumphant return of L. Ron Hubbard to come before they make the fourth installment Mission Impossible 4:Determining Cruise's True Sexuality.

Who can forget the precocious youngster Cruise used to be, dancing through his parents living room in sunglasses and tightie whities while lip syncing Old Time Rock and Roll? Does Top Gun or Days of Thunder ring any bells for anyone? The most fascinating thing Walters could have done in this segment is ask the real question: What the hell happened to Tom Cruise?

9: Thomas Beatie the amazing pregnant man. Admittedly I paid little attention to this story when it first hit the news earlier this year. Assuming it was some sort of prank or hoax I rolled my eyes and ignored it. A man couldn't possibly be pregnant, this must be a joke. I thought to myself.

I couldn't have been more wrong. See it's simple, all you have to do is have your vagina converted to a penis, then get artificially inseminated and whammo you're a pregnant man. Apparently, there's something of a disconnect between Babs and myself, I have been aware for sometime that a person with a UTERUS could become pregnant. I have learned this lesson the hard way twice from personal experience. The only thing fascinating about this is that it made national headlines. I want to issue a challenge to the news media here and now: Tell a story when there is one. Let's throw a wacky caveat into guidelines for reporting on pregnant men. If they have functioning internal female reproductive organs, DO NOT CALL THEM A PREGNANT MAN.

8: I know, I know. I need go no further than to include a picture of a Vice Presidential Candidate giving the wave you would normally see on a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Float to illicit a chuckle, but let's get into this anyways. A brilliant move by Walters to include her in this list. Everyone has a special place in, wherever hate comes from for Palin. In four months she turned the campaign process on it's uptight head. She spoke directly to us, the people. How did she do this? By using small easy to understand words, she got down on our level and held our stupid little hands through the ups and downs of politics. I learned that if you say something completely retarded in an interview that it's the interviewers fault for asking questions. She completely changed our expectations of a VP candidate. Gone are the days when we expected gravitas, tact, intelligence, and ugly people on a national ticket. Thank you Sara Palin you have done your country a great service.

7: Frank Langella, what can you say about a guy who has played three of the greatest villains EVER. Count Dracula in 79, Skeletor in 1987, and rounding out the trifecta of evil he portrays Richard Nixon in this years FROST/NIXON.

The film was directed by close pal and confidant of Arthur"The Fonz" Fonzerelli, Richie Cunningham, who hopes to finally step out of the shadow of Andy Griffith with the new film. After all, with George Bush leaving office the hearts of Americans everywhere will be left with a void we will clamor to fill with a movie about a shitty president.

Still good call on this fascinating individual. Here's to hoping he is cast to play the part of number Five on this very list in next years Mr. Limbaugh Goes To Washington.

6: Not only do I have nothing bad to say about Tina Fey, I will stab anyone who does. Fey who used to be known for her brilliant weekend updates on SNL before she returned to the late night skit show and took this years cast from kind of funny to occasionally hilarious. Her portrayal of Sara Palin sent her career on a white hot path to super stardom. Before the election Fey could only be found on Six Seasons of SNL, several movies and the hit show 30 Rock.

After her Palin skits she can now be found on 7 seasons of SNL, several movies, the hit show 30 Rock and a few American Express commercials. See? Her credits won't stop growing.

This is clearly a case of kidding because I love. Due to the all ages nature of this blog I won't even go into the myriad of fantasies that pop up when I think of Fey all dressed up as Governor Palin. I'll leave that to you to ponder and simply thank Tina for providing another generation with masturbatory fodder.

5: Number five is the self proclaimed Lovable Fuzzball himself, Rush Limbaugh. This man doesn't require wacky things like facts to make his point. He looks facts in the eye and tells them what to represent. You can't deny the Punk Rock attitude of a man who hates large government, pops pills and spews hate.
The only thing missing from his self titled syndicated radio show is a three power chord progression of fury. With a slew of failed marriages, drug addiction, and his uphill battle against facts and rational thought this man has single handedly changed the way people listen to talk radio: With tightly clenched fists and pounding migraines.

During the interview Walters had the audacity to ask him how he feels about making so much money during a recession. His answer, "I choose not to participate. (In the recession)"

Holy shit, that is punk rock! Rush has no respect for your big oppressive institutions, society. (Unless we're talking about marriage that is.)

4: Micheal Phelps is number four. Remember when people cared about the Olympics? Mr. Phelps does. He brought home the gold by the butt loads for America at this years Olympics. It's just too bad that no one cared. With the Olympics being held in Communist China, little was reported about the actual games. Russia pulled some shit in Georgia(the country not the peach state), the stock market crashed, and we endured the longest campaign season ever. All of these things conspired to take away attention from this man's accomplishments. He DOMINATED the Olympics.

Before I go feeling too sorry for Mr. Phelps' lack of attention this year, I have to assume there are some sort of extra benefits to winning like every gold medal ever. P Diddy must be wallowing in jealousy of his bling bling. If the rap world is any indicator to what that kind of bling affords you as a person then Phelps must be elbow deep in groupies somewhere in the back of a stretch Escalade as I type. If that is the case, then I say well done sir and thank you for bringing home the gold(s).

3: Miley is easily my favorite member of the Cyrus family. Good for her to be able to usurp her Dad Billy Ray who's Achy Breaky Heart dominated the charts nearly twenty years ago, as the primary bread winner in the family. I must say I admire Billy Ray for overcoming the pitfalls of Super stardom and taking the backseat to push his daughter into the very same spotlight that causes him to become addicted to coke and whores in the mid nineties. Some people may think it is wrong for him to exploit his little girl, but Daddy needs a new pick up truck and mullet wigs just aren't selling like they used to.

Despite all that, I am hopeful that having already been down the flash in the pan road himself Billy Ray will be able to guide this talented young woman and help her to make the right decisions to maintain a quality image as a role model for the youngsters. I'm sure he'll avoid tacky publicity moves like letting her pose nearly nude in Vanity Fair at age fifteen...

2: Will Smith is number two. Perhaps the most versatile actor ever to grace the big screen. His last eight movies have each grossed over one-hundred million a piece at the box office, proving once and for all it's not about quality it's about being Will Smith. By my count Will has had something like 79 successful careers. Going from being a rap pioneer in the eighties to a television star in the nineties and now being the biggest freaking movie star ever there is no stopping this man.

There is however something missing here, D.J Jazzy Jeff. Where is he Mr.Smith? You abandoned him after Fresh Prince of Bel-Air didn't you? You had him hired into the show to play your best friend and when the show got canceled you dumped him for greener pastures. Maybe it's not your fault though, perhaps he was holding you back. Was there any room for him in Independence Day? No there was not. Sadly in a film of that magnitude there's only room for one black fighter pilot who says stereotypically black things while beating on aliens. Oh hell naw, you didn't indeed.

1:President Elect Barack Obama. Finally, someone who deserves to be on such a list. This guy has fixed everything before even stepping foot in office. Did you know that 2008 is the coolest year of the decade thus far? Global Warming is shaking in it's boots a full month out from the inauguration.

I admit with all the coverage and analysis we have seen on the man it is hard to say something about him that has not been said before. I like this guy. He's a brilliant and talented politician, he ran an incredible campaign and most importantly he is a fan of comic books. What's so important about this you ask.

Psychotronik Comics Presents #1 is available here.

So grab a copy and send it for a housewarming gift for the 44th president and tell him Psychotronik Comics sent you.


Brandon said...

Funny stuff, Chris. I think the pregnant "man" still has all the female plumbing below the waist, it's just the removal of the breasts and the testosterone hormone pills that legally got his/her foot in the door of Manhood.

Maybe when Rush called himself a fuzzball he was talking about this?

And great way to work in a plug for the book at the end!

Chris Paugh said...

Really? I just assumed that something had been changed down below. It's even less of a story than I thought.Wow, Rush looks like a pron star there.

Charlie Wilkins said...

Interesting article, Chris, very nice work indeed...