Saturday, April 18, 2009

Psychotronik Advice #3

DEAR ABBY: I am 8 years old, and I love science. I am writing you because when I go to the doughnut shop, they always give me paper bags when I order my doughnut to eat there. I also notice other people getting bags they don't need because they are eating their doughnuts there, too.

How many trees have to die for no reason?

I care about recycling and how long it takes for things to break down in the earth. What can I do so the doughnut shop will stop wasting bags? -- MANDI IN SCARSDALE, N.Y.

DEAR MANDI: I respect the fact that you are conscientious about how your actions -- and the actions of the people around you -- affect the environment. You are a sharp young lady.

What you should do is speak to the manager of the doughnut shop. Tell him or her that these days a strong selling point in many businesses is that they are "going green." In the case of the doughnut shop, it would cost them less and even gain them more customers if they would stop handing out bags to customers who are eating their doughnuts on the premises and tell them why. (A piece of waxed paper would suffice and create less waste.)

DEAR MANDI: Grow up. One paper bag does absolutely nothing to save the environment. Maybe your bigger concern should be the fact that there is no such thing as free will and your actions are merely random chaotic clashing of atoms. You'll never amount to anything and you'll never make a difference on this earth so you should just shove your face with another donut sit back and relax as everything around you crumbles magnificently in the only way it ever could.

Before you know it you'll be old and dying and you won't think about how many trees you'd have saved by bitching about a donut store, you'll wonder a lot of things sure, like how many times in your life you actually watched a sunset and how much you took for granted the early years of your life when everyone around you wasn't visually withering around you and perhaps you'll even have a lingering taste of donuts on your breath... but you won't think of the fucking trees.

Now, go outside and play or something. Stop wasting my time.


DEAR ABBY: I'm having a problem with my next door neighbors. We just purchased a wonderful historical home located in an awesome neighborhood. My problem is, after we moved in, we realized that these people are exhibitionists. They have no window coverings in their home, which has large windows on all sides. At night you can see all the way through to the other side.

Our home has no back door, so when we need to let our dog out, we must walk along the driveway. We refer to it as "walking the gauntlet." This couple eats their breakfast at a table next to the side window dressed only in their night clothes. At 7 a.m., I am in my robe. Should I wave or hang my head in shame?

I know I should have checked the neighbors out before we bought. I come from a rural area, but still, I had blinds. Flaunting my nightwear or my husband's is kind of personal. Please advise. -- PUT OFF IN TEXAS

DEAR PUT OFF: There is nothing shameful or exhibitionistic about wearing one's pajamas to the breakfast table. If the sight of your neighbors' nightwear embarrasses you, plant a lovely, lush, fast-growing hedge between your driveway and their kitchen.

DEAR PUT OFF: Well uh... are they hot? I guess if they are ugly it makes all the difference in the world but if they are hot you should probably just get used to living a sinful city life and enjoy the view. You are lucky they are wearing nightwear, you could walk into the kitchen to the sight of him bending her over the kitchen counter for a bit of ass to go with his coffee.

I love that you and your husband have come up with a euphemism that is so extreme by the way. The site of this deviant couple who you assume spend all night performing perverted acts upon each other dressed in pajamas is equivilant to the possibility of being executed. Nice.

1 comment:

Charlie Wilkins said...

Our boys in Iraq are running the gauntlet every day, and you come to us with your complaints about your sexy neighbours?! SHAME ON YOU, PSEUDONYM! SHAME ON YOU!