Thursday, April 16, 2009

Psychotronik Advice #1

You know who's a cunt? Abby fucking Van Buren. She thinks she's hot shit because her mother made a living giving advice to people back when newspapers were still relevant but that ship has long since sailed. No one needs her bullshit advice and if her mom was still feeding that bullshit out to the masses, she'd be just as irrelevant. So I know what you are thinking, What does this have to do with me? With this blog? Well, that's a good question. One I intend to answer. One of many questions I intend to answer.

In this day and age, nobody wants Abby's advice. It's dated. It's stale. It doesn't ring true. I'm sick of it. That's why from here on out, I plan on giving solid advice to people who write in to abby asking for solutions to their problems. In the interest of fairness, I will also write Abby's advice for comparison but you know... nobody is going to give a shit about that.

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DEAR ABBY: I am trying hard to rebuild my marriage. My husband and I have three young children. Four months ago, I met a man (I'll call him "Jack") who made me feel like I haven't felt in a long time. We have not slept together. We tried several times to stop seeing each other, but unfortunately, my attraction to him was too strong.

This week my husband and I separated. I saw Jack this morning. Before things went too far I told him that I had herpes. Abby, he practically had a heart attack -- and ended it on the spot!

The thing is, what I said wasn't true. I just could not think of another way to make him stop being available so I could concentrate on my marriage. I feel like such a coward, and I am heartbroken. Not only do I miss Jack terribly, I also can't bear the thought that someone who made me feel so happy would just turn his back on me.

Would there be any point in telling him that I lied, or did I do the right -- albeit cowardly -- thing? -- WAVERING IN THE SOUTH

A thought provoking question, here is Abby's response.

DEAR WAVERING: I can see absolutely nothing positive to be gained by approaching Jack again. While I would never recommend lying, yours exposed the man's truth. If he truly cared about you, he would have stuck by you instead of heading for the exit. Consider yourself lucky to have learned the truth while there was still time to save your marriage.

Wow, she couldn't be more wrong. Here is where I step in.

DEAR WAVERING: You are going to hell. Adultery is a sin, you dirty whore of a woman. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so dirty. And to top it off, you are going to like to "Jack" about having herpes? What the fuck kind of psychological games are you playing on this guy!? It's not his fault you were desperately craving him to the point where you LEFT YOUR HUSBAND! I think you are totally in the wrong here. In fact, I think you should contemplate living the rest of your life alone after the way you've tried to break one man with the threat of a venereal disease and tried to turn your husband into a cuckold. For shame.

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DEAR ABBY: I am concerned about my younger brother. I'll call him "Freddy." Freddy is 18 and very lazy. His girlfriend lives with him at my mother's house.

Our mom is always cleaning their room. She does all the cooking and sometimes even launders their clothes. Mom tells me everything, and she's bothered by this. I live with her, too, but I do my share. I pay half the rent.

How can we let them know we are not their housekeepers, but in a nice way? -- TOUCHY SUBJECT, LAS VEGAS, N.M.

DEAR TOUCHY SUBJECT: I, too, am concerned about your brother. It is time your mother realized that by allowing this arrangement, she has done her son no favors.

The girlfriend should not be living in his room rent-free. (Where the heck are her parents?) If she is a student, she should have a part-time job and contribute something -- and so should Freddy. If he is old enough to have a live-in companion, he should be mature enough to clean up and do a load of laundry.

Your mother should convene a "family council" meeting and start assigning chores. Until and unless she becomes assertive enough to draw the line, she will continue to be taken advantage of. It's not about being mean or nasty. It's about encouraging Freddy to grow up and lessen his dependence upon her.


DEAR TOUCHY SUBJECT: Stop being a pussy! I mean, if he's your younger brother and he's being a little bitch, beat the living shit out of him untill he stops. Problem solved. If you don't, well then he's gonna just keep doing it to you FOREVER because you'll show him that you play that shit... and you don't play that shit, Touchy Subject!

Just say it with me, "I don't play that shit!"

See? Doesn't that feel awesome? Didn't you feel a confidence deep within your gut that you've not felt in long, long time? I knew such was the case.

Now, go into the other room where your lazy brother is and roll up a newspaper or a magazine or soemthing and hit him upside the head with it. He'll be caught off gaurd which will leave him vulnerable to any number of strikes to his throat (I suggest some sort of heel strike if he's sitting on his ass.) If his girlfriend is in the room, reach back like a pimp and slap that filthy good for nothing whore. Do it, Touchy Subject! And when you do, they'll look at you in awe and say, "Wow, I used to think this guy standing before me was a pussy, but clearly I had it wrong." And

Guess what Touchy Subject, they will be right. They will be right.

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DEAR ABBY: I am asking this question in all seriousness. While I am using a restroom in a public place, I'm not sure how to respond when someone knocks on the door to see if anyone is there. What's the appropriate answer? -- GOTTA GO IN WALDORF, MD.

DEAR GOTTA: The correct response is, "Occupied!"

DEAR GOTTA: Kick open the door with your foot and scream violently, "WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE SHIT HEAD!?!" They will be mortified and their thirst for knowledge will be quenched.

3 comments:

Charlie Wilkins said...

Genius, sir. Thank you.

Ramon Villalobos said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ramon Villalobos said...

Glad you liked it Charlie, I plan to keep it up as long as I remember to do them.